I've been thinking about this over the past couple days. I attended a funeral on Thursday and heard some of the things you shouldn't say. There are things better left unsaid, especially at a funeral. I know that people mean well, but the wrong words can make a person feel even worse about the loss of their loved one. If you have ever been through a funeral for a close loved one, you can understand the feeling.
Here are the three things I heard and why they are inappropriate.
"It Was His Time."
The family of the deceased doesn't want to hear this. At that moment, they are feeling like the person they love was ripped from their arms, far too soon. This goes right along with, "It was God's will." If they do believe in God, they are probably pretty upset and questioning their faith, even if it's just a little.
"He's in a better place now."
The grieving don't find solace in this. For them, a better place is with them, enjoying life. Plus, no one really knows what happens after we die, and not everyone believes anything happens.
"My dad died when I was young. I know what you're going through."
To start, this is egotistical, because no you don't. This moment isn't about you, or what you have gone through. Second, you don't know what another person is going through, even if you have been through a similar experience.
Here are a few of the other things it's not okay to say at a funeral.
"Life goes on."
Duh! But that doesn't help the person grieving. For them, part of their life has stopped, and they might not want to go on for the time being.
"Is there anything I can do?"
Even though you think you're helping, you aren't. Unless you can bring their lost loved one back, the grieving can't think of anything you can do for them. Grieving is a very tiring process. If you want to help, just help. Don't make the grieving think about what needs to be done. They have enough to do already.
"She looks very peaceful, natural, rested, etc."
Have you ever looked at a living person and said something like this? Saying something like this is only going to remind the family that their loved one is dead. We all know how they really look, and saying otherwise is insensitive and doesn't help.
As a good rule, if you were the person being told these things, how would it make you feel? If it would upset you, anger you, or make you cry, then don't say it.
Now on to a few of the things it is ok to say to someone at a funeral.
"I am so sorry for your loss."
Only say this if you mean it. It's a smack in the face to the bereaved to get an insincere apology.
"I wish I had the right words, but know that I care.
You really don't need to say much. Just offering your support is more than enough.
"You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers."
Be careful with this one. If someone said this to me, I might take offense, since I am not a religious person. If you know the grieving person is religious, this could be comforting.
This is my favorite piece of advice for what to say during a funeral.
Don't say anything
You don't have to say anything. Just give the person a hug and be there with them. The thing I appreciated more than any words was knowing I was surrounded by people who loved me.
I am sharing these things because some of them were said to me when my dad died. It doesn't feel good, it just makes the hurt of losing someone sting just a little more. Don't be the guy that says the wrong thing.
